Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I am changed, but still the same.

Grieving has this way of growing you. 
It has forced me to see the world differently. With more depth. When I look in peoples' eyes it's different from when I looked into them three weeks ago. 
It has tested my patience and given me more of it. 
Patience with myself.
 Patience with those who also grieve.
Patience with the insensitive. 
With the insensitive ones in this season, I feel like the Lord has helped me to step outside myself. Or at least He has tested me in this like crazy. Probably both. I've been challenged to put myself in their shoes for a second and TRY to see things from their perspective. Try to understand a little bit anyway why they just said what they said. 
I have a sweet friend who always reminds me to keep in mind the things people say that are from the Spirit and the things that people say that are from the flesh. Those things people say that are from the flesh, I can't hold onto. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't have to deal with the pain they caused and grieve that as well. It is just a good reminder to me to remember truth in the midst of my grieving. 
This season has been humbling as well because I have been less than sensitive with some of those who have been less than sensitive with me. I've gotten angry and usually when I get angry I get sarcastic and mean. Then I say things I regret five minutes later that I can't take back or delete. It's a tough thing to navigate. As much as the Lord has given me new eyes to see the world because of this season, I am still the same ol' me with the same ol' tendencies and I kind of forgot about that. 
Until I got angry at someone I love so dear. 
This is hard because I love our sweet Elston and when someone said something that rocked me, my heart went into defense mode. Even though he died I still want to protect him and defend him. 
{On a lighter note for a second, now I understand why helicopter parents are the way they are and I've taken a silent vow to not judge them again.}
I wanted to protect and defend myself. 
I wanted to protect and defend God because I know He has a plan in this for us which some people don't see or consider. And that's just where they are at in life and I kind of lost perspective on that. I instantly lost perspective on those things I spoke of at the beginning of this post in that moment I received the message that rocked me. 
Thank you Lord for reminding me that I need you. Always. 
Thank you for reminding me that even though you are changing me, it doesn't mean I need you less. 
Thank you for your Holy Spirit and for convicting me to take action and make my wrongs right.
Thank you for humbling me in the midst of my grief. 
Thank you that YOU are Elston's defender.
Thank you that YOU are my defender.
I need only to trust in you. 

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Baby Elston

A few of our sweet friends who have heartbreakingly gone before us in this have named their babies who have gone to be with the Lord. I found this to be really beautiful and I see an importance in it for our family to name our sweet sunshine baby. 

Something incredible happened the night of May 7th
that I want to tell you about. 
Before I fell asleep I prayed and asked that if it would be the Lord's will, would he show me somehow if our baby was a boy or a girl. I had no clue how it would happen and I knew as I was praying that it could never happen and I was okay with that. It was a really difficult night with cramping and I didn't sleep very well, but somehow in the midst of the difficult, I had a dream about our sunshine baby. I want to write this down so I don't ever forget it because I really believe this was a sweet gift from the Lord. In my dream I was with our friend Natalie. She opened up a curtain of some sort and I saw our baby. He was a toddler with overalls on. He had blonde hair and was standing on a porch looking out into a yard. What a sweet, sweet gift. Just incredible. 
You know, I could get to heaven and this baby could be a brunette female volleyball player the height of PK and I put together, but for now this dream gives me comfort. It makes me even more in awe of God. It makes me feel known by Him and reminds me that He really is holding us, holding our hearts and loves us more than we will ever be able to understand. His love is that deep for us. For you.
 It's a crazy amazing love that I am clinging to in this season. 

So, I just want to thank God for His kindness in giving me a sneak peak of our boy. I know he gets to hang out with his grandpa {PK's dad} and I can't wait to meet both of them one day. What a sweet reunion that will be. 

It took us a while, but we finally chose a name. 

Elston Graham Konicki
{our sunshine baby} 

Elston means "My God is Jehovah"
Graham means "Abode"

It gives me comfort to know our baby is at home with Jesus. 

I found this to be fitting as well: 
People with the name Elston tend to be a powerful force for all whose lives they touch. They are capable, charismatic leaders who often undertake endeavors with great success. They value truth, justice and discipline. 

Sounds a lot like his Dad with a side of Mom. I love this. 

Our brave Elston, 
You, sweet one, have touched our lives in such a powerful way. You have taught me how to love deeper, to pray with my hands and my heart wide open, and to celebrate with all I've got. You made me a mama and I'll never be the same again. Because of you my faith in God has grown and my trust in Him has deepened. I know you're up in Heaven gettin' things done, just like your dad does here. I can imagine you are a lot like him, seriously and fervently loving the saints, loving God, doing all of that with excellence. Your dad and I love you. And miss you. And think the world of you.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

With a grateful heart.

Today I woke up with a desire to process some thoughts.
Thought I'd take advantage of that. 
Writing on this blog is more therapeutic than I ever thought it would be. You know, I prayed that God would use my words to connect with other people, to glorify Him, which I think He is doing, and a big part of me is seeing now how much He uses this blog for me as well. 
To help make some sense of things that don't make sense.
To get out thoughts and emotions that ruminate in my mind and heart for days. He knows it's a danger zone when my thoughts aren't out there in the open. He made me that way and I thank Him for that. 
And for this little blog. I feel safe here.

A big fat thank you 100 times over.
I first want to say thank you to those who have been praying for us. I can literally feel your prayers. Thank you for your sweet words, for texting, e-mailing, facebooking, telling me Bible verses, songs, and quotes that seem to fit exactly where my heart is at the time. Thank you for grocery shopping and bringing over food. Thank you for listening to us and crying with us and loving us and loving our baby.  Thank you for not being afraid to go there with us and ask questions. Thank you for talking about having regular conversations where I can know where your hearts are and continue to listen to you. It's been the perfect mix of it all with all of you. 
I know the baby is in a place where all he does is rejoice, and I know he isn't missing out on anything here on earth. All he's ever known is love and that's all he will ever know. But then there's all of you, who have loved so well and how I wish he could have experienced that. To meet you and to be loved by you the way that you have loved us. My gosh he would have been so stinkin' loved here on earth and it just makes me sad. Our sweet friends, you are simply the best. All of you who we keep in touch with and all of you who we haven't kept in touch with but you reached out still, thank you. I feel like these words will never give enough credit to how deeply grateful I am for all of you, but they are all I've got. 

What's goin' on since Saturday.
Second of all I wanted to get out some thoughts on this whole process. 
I knew it would take a while physically, but it feels like the days are dragging on. My body is still doing its thing which is a constant reminder of what is happening. The nurse prepped me poorly for all of this so thank you to those sweet friends who answered all my questions and got me ready for what this would be like for my body. I think I would have gone crazy if it weren't for you all which makes me incredibly grateful for you but incredibly disappointed in the group of midwives I decided to go with. After all this they will not be seeing me again. I understand that this happens to a lot of women that they see, so it might be "normal" to them, but this is nothing normal for a mother and father who just lost the baby they love. Their lack of sensitivity for me and for our precious little one breaks my heart. Who thought that even at 10 weeks pregnant, the Mama Bear in me would come roaring out? Oh, Who am I kidding, you all know Mama Bear comes out when anyone I love is being tampered with.
All of this to say thank you to you all who are so sensitive with us and loved our baby {and still love our baby} and prepped us well. 
Thank you for your continued love. 

Some prayer requests:
  • Mama Bear might be having a little sit down talk with some people at the midwive's office. In a nice way, promise. But in a real way. So prayers for that. That I will communicate well, truthful, and full of love.

  • Will you also pray that my body does its thing naturally to pass the baby? My desire is to not have any procedures done.*

*Please know all you mamas and dads out there who have had procedures done, in no way do I think it is wrong or do I judge the fact that you have had them done. Our bodies all are so different and I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes it's not up to us to choose and sometimes it is. It may even not be up to me to choose. Who knows. Whether by choice or not, you beautiful mamas are incredibly brave and are doing the best thing for you and your family. I guess what I hope I am communicating well is that I just hope that intervention does not have to be done to me. I'd just prefer to not go back to that place. I hope you see my heart in all of this. 

  • Please keep praying for this grieving process. It has been really really tough and I know this is only the beginning. 

Thank you all for your love.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Our sunshine baby

It all began on March 21, 2013.

I received the best news of my life.
We were pregnant!
I cannot even explain to you how excited I was. Scared, yes, but way more excited than scared. From now on, I thought, I am a mom. A dream come true!
Thus began lots of prayers, lots of naps, and a couple secret Pinterest boards until we announce our sweet little one to the world.

It continued on April 17, 2013.

We met our little one at our first midwife appointment.
We saw the heartbeat.
We saw the little hands, little feet {still webbed}, little spine.
The midwife was smiling from ear to ear. Excited for us and how well baby K was doing.
Talk about in love!
I started writing letters to our sweet one, letting him/her know how much God loves him/her, how much we love him/her, how excited we were to finally meet. On one of those never ending cloudy days I listened to a song that that reminded me of spring and new life which automatically made me think of our baby. That's when it clicked.
 This sweet little one is our sunshine baby.
I told our sunshine baby how much the Lord has used him/her to remind me of hope, and that with the seasons comes new life. I told our baby that he/she was the burst of sunshine my heart needed to get me though the last leg of this long Chicago winter. I prayed for our sunshine baby that his/her life would shine as bright in others' lives as he/she already has in mine. I prayed that our baby would be one who gives life to those around him/her and that life would be better with him/her around. I told our sunshine baby that he/she already has made life better.
More rich.
More joyful.
More sunshine.

Then, it ended on May 3, 2013.

Things weren't seeming right at home so I called the midwife right away. I got an appointment quickly and headed in. I was praying so hard. And felt the prayers of those who were praying. Those prayers got me though the door yesterday. So, there I was getting prepped for an ultrasound. The nurse fought for that heartbeat, I know she did.
A mom who wanted it just as bad as this mama did.
No heartbeat.
It felt like mine stopped too.
My world stopped.
And crumbled.
My heart broke into pieces I wonder if I'll ever find again.

Today, May 4, 2013 we said goodbye.

By early afternoon, everything was final.
I got to be at home. In my bed. With PK. And just weep.
My sweet sunshine baby, how I love and adore you.
I will never stop and I cannot wait to meet you in Heaven.
I know you are where there are no tears, no hurt,
and nothing bad to harm you.
I cannot wait to hold you, to know you, to worship God next to you one day.
I know that in the seasons of life there is hope.
God used you to remind me of that.
I know He is with us during this season
and you are a reminder that He is good.
My sunshine baby, you will always have my heart.

This is a song that has been a good reminder of how amazing God is though this whole thing. He is what we cling to in all this. My Rock. My Safe Place. My Healer. My All.

For those of you who read this, could you be praying for us? Pray for our hearts to grieve in a healthy way. Pray for our marriage. Pray that we continue to cling to Jesus.