Wednesday, May 22, 2013

I am changed, but still the same.

Grieving has this way of growing you. 
It has forced me to see the world differently. With more depth. When I look in peoples' eyes it's different from when I looked into them three weeks ago. 
It has tested my patience and given me more of it. 
Patience with myself.
 Patience with those who also grieve.
Patience with the insensitive. 
With the insensitive ones in this season, I feel like the Lord has helped me to step outside myself. Or at least He has tested me in this like crazy. Probably both. I've been challenged to put myself in their shoes for a second and TRY to see things from their perspective. Try to understand a little bit anyway why they just said what they said. 
I have a sweet friend who always reminds me to keep in mind the things people say that are from the Spirit and the things that people say that are from the flesh. Those things people say that are from the flesh, I can't hold onto. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. It doesn't mean I won't have to deal with the pain they caused and grieve that as well. It is just a good reminder to me to remember truth in the midst of my grieving. 
This season has been humbling as well because I have been less than sensitive with some of those who have been less than sensitive with me. I've gotten angry and usually when I get angry I get sarcastic and mean. Then I say things I regret five minutes later that I can't take back or delete. It's a tough thing to navigate. As much as the Lord has given me new eyes to see the world because of this season, I am still the same ol' me with the same ol' tendencies and I kind of forgot about that. 
Until I got angry at someone I love so dear. 
This is hard because I love our sweet Elston and when someone said something that rocked me, my heart went into defense mode. Even though he died I still want to protect him and defend him. 
{On a lighter note for a second, now I understand why helicopter parents are the way they are and I've taken a silent vow to not judge them again.}
I wanted to protect and defend myself. 
I wanted to protect and defend God because I know He has a plan in this for us which some people don't see or consider. And that's just where they are at in life and I kind of lost perspective on that. I instantly lost perspective on those things I spoke of at the beginning of this post in that moment I received the message that rocked me. 
Thank you Lord for reminding me that I need you. Always. 
Thank you for reminding me that even though you are changing me, it doesn't mean I need you less. 
Thank you for your Holy Spirit and for convicting me to take action and make my wrongs right.
Thank you for humbling me in the midst of my grief. 
Thank you that YOU are Elston's defender.
Thank you that YOU are my defender.
I need only to trust in you. 

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