Saturday, May 4, 2013

Our sunshine baby

It all began on March 21, 2013.

I received the best news of my life.
We were pregnant!
I cannot even explain to you how excited I was. Scared, yes, but way more excited than scared. From now on, I thought, I am a mom. A dream come true!
Thus began lots of prayers, lots of naps, and a couple secret Pinterest boards until we announce our sweet little one to the world.

It continued on April 17, 2013.

We met our little one at our first midwife appointment.
We saw the heartbeat.
We saw the little hands, little feet {still webbed}, little spine.
The midwife was smiling from ear to ear. Excited for us and how well baby K was doing.
Talk about in love!
I started writing letters to our sweet one, letting him/her know how much God loves him/her, how much we love him/her, how excited we were to finally meet. On one of those never ending cloudy days I listened to a song that that reminded me of spring and new life which automatically made me think of our baby. That's when it clicked.
 This sweet little one is our sunshine baby.
I told our sunshine baby how much the Lord has used him/her to remind me of hope, and that with the seasons comes new life. I told our baby that he/she was the burst of sunshine my heart needed to get me though the last leg of this long Chicago winter. I prayed for our sunshine baby that his/her life would shine as bright in others' lives as he/she already has in mine. I prayed that our baby would be one who gives life to those around him/her and that life would be better with him/her around. I told our sunshine baby that he/she already has made life better.
More rich.
More joyful.
More sunshine.

Then, it ended on May 3, 2013.

Things weren't seeming right at home so I called the midwife right away. I got an appointment quickly and headed in. I was praying so hard. And felt the prayers of those who were praying. Those prayers got me though the door yesterday. So, there I was getting prepped for an ultrasound. The nurse fought for that heartbeat, I know she did.
A mom who wanted it just as bad as this mama did.
No heartbeat.
It felt like mine stopped too.
My world stopped.
And crumbled.
My heart broke into pieces I wonder if I'll ever find again.

Today, May 4, 2013 we said goodbye.

By early afternoon, everything was final.
I got to be at home. In my bed. With PK. And just weep.
My sweet sunshine baby, how I love and adore you.
I will never stop and I cannot wait to meet you in Heaven.
I know you are where there are no tears, no hurt,
and nothing bad to harm you.
I cannot wait to hold you, to know you, to worship God next to you one day.
I know that in the seasons of life there is hope.
God used you to remind me of that.
I know He is with us during this season
and you are a reminder that He is good.
My sunshine baby, you will always have my heart.

This is a song that has been a good reminder of how amazing God is though this whole thing. He is what we cling to in all this. My Rock. My Safe Place. My Healer. My All.

For those of you who read this, could you be praying for us? Pray for our hearts to grieve in a healthy way. Pray for our marriage. Pray that we continue to cling to Jesus. 


  1. Oh Christine & Pat, we will continue to pray for you. We are so saddened. You are an amazing women & your faith is so evident through this blog which brought me to tears.
    Love you young lady...Gretchen (Sara's mom)

  2. Wow, Christine. Thank you for sharing your heart. I am so so sorry for your loss. The seasons don't end here. The cycles will continue (up again) until we all meet in the coming of Christ. So happy you're blessed with PK. Praying for you.

  3. I have definitely been praying for you a lot these past few days. You are on my mind when I'm up in the night and I'm praying for you then especially! I know the pain of not getting to meet one of our children face to face (yet) and it's something we can never understand. The Lord will carry you and your family through this pain and healing process. I know we're not in touch much anymore, but I'm thankful we've stayed in touch enough that I'm able to know about this.

  4. Honored as a mom that you had the strength and honesty to expose yourself and ask for prayers. I will be praying for you,your healing- physically and emotionally, your marriage, and God's purpose to be revealed to you. Thank you again for being so transparent!
    With the Love of Christ!