Thursday, May 9, 2013

With a grateful heart.

Today I woke up with a desire to process some thoughts.
Thought I'd take advantage of that. 
Writing on this blog is more therapeutic than I ever thought it would be. You know, I prayed that God would use my words to connect with other people, to glorify Him, which I think He is doing, and a big part of me is seeing now how much He uses this blog for me as well. 
To help make some sense of things that don't make sense.
To get out thoughts and emotions that ruminate in my mind and heart for days. He knows it's a danger zone when my thoughts aren't out there in the open. He made me that way and I thank Him for that. 
And for this little blog. I feel safe here.

A big fat thank you 100 times over.
I first want to say thank you to those who have been praying for us. I can literally feel your prayers. Thank you for your sweet words, for texting, e-mailing, facebooking, telling me Bible verses, songs, and quotes that seem to fit exactly where my heart is at the time. Thank you for grocery shopping and bringing over food. Thank you for listening to us and crying with us and loving us and loving our baby.  Thank you for not being afraid to go there with us and ask questions. Thank you for talking about having regular conversations where I can know where your hearts are and continue to listen to you. It's been the perfect mix of it all with all of you. 
I know the baby is in a place where all he does is rejoice, and I know he isn't missing out on anything here on earth. All he's ever known is love and that's all he will ever know. But then there's all of you, who have loved so well and how I wish he could have experienced that. To meet you and to be loved by you the way that you have loved us. My gosh he would have been so stinkin' loved here on earth and it just makes me sad. Our sweet friends, you are simply the best. All of you who we keep in touch with and all of you who we haven't kept in touch with but you reached out still, thank you. I feel like these words will never give enough credit to how deeply grateful I am for all of you, but they are all I've got. 

What's goin' on since Saturday.
Second of all I wanted to get out some thoughts on this whole process. 
I knew it would take a while physically, but it feels like the days are dragging on. My body is still doing its thing which is a constant reminder of what is happening. The nurse prepped me poorly for all of this so thank you to those sweet friends who answered all my questions and got me ready for what this would be like for my body. I think I would have gone crazy if it weren't for you all which makes me incredibly grateful for you but incredibly disappointed in the group of midwives I decided to go with. After all this they will not be seeing me again. I understand that this happens to a lot of women that they see, so it might be "normal" to them, but this is nothing normal for a mother and father who just lost the baby they love. Their lack of sensitivity for me and for our precious little one breaks my heart. Who thought that even at 10 weeks pregnant, the Mama Bear in me would come roaring out? Oh, Who am I kidding, you all know Mama Bear comes out when anyone I love is being tampered with.
All of this to say thank you to you all who are so sensitive with us and loved our baby {and still love our baby} and prepped us well. 
Thank you for your continued love. 

Some prayer requests:
  • Mama Bear might be having a little sit down talk with some people at the midwive's office. In a nice way, promise. But in a real way. So prayers for that. That I will communicate well, truthful, and full of love.

  • Will you also pray that my body does its thing naturally to pass the baby? My desire is to not have any procedures done.*

*Please know all you mamas and dads out there who have had procedures done, in no way do I think it is wrong or do I judge the fact that you have had them done. Our bodies all are so different and I understand that you gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes it's not up to us to choose and sometimes it is. It may even not be up to me to choose. Who knows. Whether by choice or not, you beautiful mamas are incredibly brave and are doing the best thing for you and your family. I guess what I hope I am communicating well is that I just hope that intervention does not have to be done to me. I'd just prefer to not go back to that place. I hope you see my heart in all of this. 

  • Please keep praying for this grieving process. It has been really really tough and I know this is only the beginning. 

Thank you all for your love.


  1. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping your find all the comfort, joy, hope and love you need!

    1. Trina, thank you so so so much! I am feeling those prayers, my friend. Love you.