Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Elston's Song

Mamas out there who have lost a baby, or anyone who has lost someone they love so dear, do you ever have those days where everything is going pretty well and out of the blue, something hits you like a ton of bricks? That reminder {again} that who you lost is not here. That reminder of the piece of your heart you will never get back. It happened to me today. It happens every once in a while, but this time it was different. I was minding my own biz, gettin' my watercolor on and I decided to listen to Ed Sheeran. A girl at the yoga studio where I work out was listening to him yesterday, and I thought, why not check him out? Good background music as I let my creative juices flow. 


{Isn't this kinda fun?! Check out the tutorial here.}

I let his playlist on Spotify go through the whole album, but I couldn't get through the whole album because his song "Small Bump" hit such a deep part of my heart. All I could do was listen to it over and over and let the tears flow. I emailed the song to PK and told him if we ran out of water think I could watercolor with my tears. Haha. Kidding, but not kidding. I turned into a hot mess real quick. 

Listen to it here:



The reason I say that this reminder of Elston was different is because it had an incredible beauty to it. So many of the reminders of him lately have been frustrating, and {in my mind} not fair. Today it felt healing. It was a reminder that I am not alone. Not alone as we dreamed of him and made plans while he was still alive. Not alone in my wondering why he had to leave so soon. This song is so beautifully written and my heart sings it loud to our sweet baby. Halfway hoping he can hear me and feel my love for him but also knowing he is with Jesus experiencing a love so pure. A love this world can't give. 

Here are the lyrics to the song:

You're just a Small Bump unborn, Four months you're brought to life, 
You might be left with my hair, but you'll have your Mother's eyes, 
I'll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, and now your scan on 
My unmade plans, 
Small bump four months then brought to life 

I'll whisper quietly, I'll give you nothing but truth, 
If your not inside me, I'll put my future in you 

Cause you are my one, and only. 
And You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. 
Oh you are my one, and only. 
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. 
And you'll be alright. 

Your just a small bump unknown and you'll grow into your skin. 
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin. 
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice. 
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months 
You'll open your eyes. 

And You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep, I'll leave You be. 
Right in front of me for a couple weeks. 
So I can keep you safe. 

Cause you are my one, and only. 
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. 
Oh you are my one, and only. 
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight. 
And you'll be alright. 

Your just a small bump unborn just four months then torn from life. 
Maybe you were needed up there but we're still un-aware as why

I am one wrecked mama missing her baby like crazy, with one grateful heart to God. For giving me this song and for the assurance that He indeed holds our sunshine baby close. 


8 comments :

  1. So beautiful... so, so beautiful. It looks like going to that yoga place is a good spot for you :).

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    1. Oh my friend, I just love the snot right outta ya. You've been so sweet in this season. Oh yeah, about the yoga place. One of the instructor's names was Pigeon. That's enough to make you laugh no matter how sad you are. haha! But she was really sweet and one of my favorites. So that makes me feel a little better about the fact that I giggled at her name.

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  2. amazing!!! love this song. praying & crying with you.

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    1. Oh I wish so bad to give you a big fat hug! I do so telepathically right now hoping you feel it all the way over the pond! Love you!

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  3. Grief is like that - it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. And for something sort of sneaky, it's not soft; it's more like a hammer on the back of your brain that reaches down into your heart. And yes, it there are still those days so very many, many years later. They are not so often; they do not last so long. But they serve to remind us that this world is not our home. There is pain here. There is suffering. There is death. Sweet sunshine baby has passed from death to life - to life everlasting and one day you will join him there. Until then, bear up and believe that he beholds the face of Him who beholds you and holds you in your grief.

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    1. Yes, this is exactly it! That not soft, sneaky, all of a sudden, grabs your heart. I am looking forward to the not so often days, but cling tight to the Lord in this season. I want to be with Him in the now, you know? I don't want to miss out on experiencing Him. Praise Him for the fact that our Elston is with Him! I thank God for that. Looking up to the Beholder...

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  4. So true about it being sneaky and unsuspecting. Had a moment like that yesterday telling my son about his sibling in Heaven. I realized I hadn't talked to him much about it, which made me emotional, as well as the grief itself which made me emotional. You are right, you are not alone.

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    1. Adrienne, it is SO sneaky. I bet it's an interesting and tough journey as your kids get older and telling them about Baby A. I'm sure it brings about a new kind of sadness, and is a reminder of that sweet lil baby in Heaven. Thanks for sharing your heart with me, my friend. You have been a sweet lil comfort during this season. Thankful for you!

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