Friday, November 1, 2013

November is here.

I chatted on the phone with Kelley today. She is one of my sweetest friends. She's one of those friends that you just pick up where you left off no matter how long it has been. She's one of those friends that if we weren't so far away on the United States map, I'd probably be over at her place everyday because she'd probably be my neighbor and it would probably be amazing. I could see us having a conjoined garden and never having to go to the grocery again. I mean it too. We'd probably learn how to make our own homemade toilet paper together and find natural remedies for everything using essential oils and weird teas. 

She asked me today how I was doing seeing as it is the beginning of November, the month we were to finally meet our sunshine baby. Today was actually the first time I allowed let myself really think about it, or more so open my heart to it. It's one thing to think about things in the back of my mind, but when I allow my heart to feel what I'm thinking, it's a whole other ballgame. 

A part of me wants to just trudge through, and get this month over with, and not think about anything, and maybe skip out altogether on November 23rd. But here's the thing, I'm not sure if I even know how to do that anymore, for better or for worse. So, I told Kelley I think the only thing I can do is let whatever happens, happen. In my heart of hearts I don't want to skip out on any moment I can have with being close to the Lord in this. I closed Him off to the sad places for so long in the past. So, I'm just going to continue to let Him in, to be sad if I need to be sad, to celebrate the baby that changed my life for the better, and take the expectations off of myself of how I "should be." 

This November, I am just going to be. And be okay with that. 

I am going to grieve.
I am going to be thankful.
I am going to cry.
I am going to celebrate.
I am going to cling to the God who has been with me this whole time. 
Who has held my heart.
Who has been my strength. 
Who has been patient.
Who doesn't rush. 
Who has our sweet baby in His arms.
Who has all of this under His control.

Oh Lord, be near to this weak and weary soul. 
When it feels like I can't, help me to know and believe You can. 
I am in much need of you to hold this heart closer than ever. 
I trust that You are good. 
I know that You are good. 


  1. Okay, sort of of topic, but....may I direct you the concept of "family cloth"? lol...Who needs toilet paper!?

    And, on a serious note, love and peace to you this month! Don't skip out on Nov 23rd. Do something special instead. Celebrate his life and your motherhood. Go make a commemorative craft, go on a date with PK, go on a walk somewhere new, do *something* in honor of your sweet sweet baby, not only this year, but make it a yearly tradition to celebrate his life. Allow yourself to soak in the blessings of the whole experience with the Lord by your side, where He's been the whole time. <3

  2. Umm... you are one of my favorite people. Love you and thanks for sharing your grief with me.

  3. Love you sweet girl, I am around if you want to chat