Mamas out there who have lost a baby, or anyone who has lost someone they love so dear, do you ever have those days where everything is going pretty well and out of the blue, something hits you like a ton of bricks? That reminder {again} that who you lost is not here. That reminder of the piece of your heart you will never get back. It happened to me today. It happens every once in a while, but this time it was different. I was minding my own biz, gettin’ my watercolor on and I decided to listen to Ed Sheeran. A girl at the yoga studio where I work out was listening to him yesterday, and I thought, why not check him out? Good background music as I let my creative juices flow.
{Isn’t this kinda fun?! Check out the tutorial here.}
I let his playlist on Spotify go through the whole album, but I couldn’t get through the whole album because his song “Small Bump” hit such a deep part of my heart. All I could do was listen to it over and over and let the tears flow. I emailed the song to PK and told him if we ran out of water think I could watercolor with my tears. Haha. Kidding, but not kidding. I turned into a hot mess real quick.
Listen to it here:
The reason I say that this reminder of Elston was different is because it had an incredible beauty to it. So many of the reminders of him lately have been frustrating, and {in my mind} not fair. Today it felt healing. It was a reminder that I am not alone. Not alone as we dreamed of him and made plans while he was still alive. Not alone in my wondering why he had to leave so soon. This song is so beautifully written and my heart sings it loud to our sweet baby. Halfway hoping he can hear me and feel my love for him but also knowing he is with Jesus experiencing a love so pure. A love this world can’t give.
Here are the lyrics to the song:
You’re just a Small Bump unborn, Four months you’re brought to life,
You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your Mother’s eyes,
I’ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, and now your scan on
My unmade plans,
Small bump four months then brought to life
You might be left with my hair, but you’ll have your Mother’s eyes,
I’ll hold your body in my hands be as gentle as I can, and now your scan on
My unmade plans,
Small bump four months then brought to life
I’ll whisper quietly, I’ll give you nothing but truth,
If your not inside me, I’ll put my future in you
If your not inside me, I’ll put my future in you
Cause you are my one, and only.
And You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.
And You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.
Your just a small bump unknown and you’ll grow into your skin.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months
You’ll open your eyes.
With a smile like hers and a dimple beneath your chin.
Finger nails the size of a half grain of rice.
And eyelids closed to be soon opened wide a small bump, in Four months
You’ll open your eyes.
And You can lie with me, with your tiny feet when your half asleep, I’ll leave You be.
Right in front of me for a couple weeks.
So I can keep you safe.
Right in front of me for a couple weeks.
So I can keep you safe.
Cause you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
Oh you are my one, and only.
You can wrap your fingers round my thumb and hold me tight.
And you’ll be alright.
Your just a small bump unborn just four months then torn from life.
Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still un-aware as why
Maybe you were needed up there but we’re still un-aware as why
I am one wrecked mama missing her baby like crazy, with one grateful heart to God. For giving me this song and for the assurance that He indeed holds our sunshine baby close.
